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A Heart that has been attacked: Part I
Last Friday was the first day of my juice fast. I had to work that night so I filled my orange crinkled microfiber messenger bag with Aloe Vera, vegetable and orange/carrot juices. Water, I could always get at work.
There was nothing unusual about the shift until near the end, about 3 am.
I had received a new admission that had flown in via LIFE FLIGHT from a town nearby Houston. She had a stroke and was sent to our Stroke Unit for possible intervention and monitoring.
Susanna was 45 years old but to read her medical history would have lead you to suspect otherwise.
She had her first heart attack at age 31 and had 3 more after that. She also had a heart bypass, two back surgeries and a previous stroke just last year affecting the other side. As I read thru her medical history I was astounded at all the MAJOR things she had undergone (including having a complete hysterectomy at the age of 20).
It was incredible how any one could have undergone such things and still have the most peaceful and pleasant looking facial expression I had ever seen.
I had to wake her up at 3 am to draw some blood.
I allowed her husband to sleep in the room with her even though it was against the unit's policy. I thought, "What the heck, she needed him to be with her as much as he needed to be near her".
It didn't take long to find a vein and before she knew it, I had 4 vials of blood at the bedside. I was getting ready to clear up the table and turn off the light to let her sleep when I just had to ask ....
Do you believe in a creator?
I do. She said.
Do you believe in the concept of Souls?
Yes, I do very much. I smiled.
Do you believe in past lives?
Why yes, I do and I believe that all this had something to do with what I must've done in another lifetime.
I smiled even more and just had to do the usual DF thing, which was to place my hand on top of her chest and say ..
Oh Good. I was reading your medical history and I was thinking about how much you had gone thru and couldn't believe that in your face, I could see such a beautiful, peaceful and pleasant expression. I wanted to talk to you about, well about Souls but I didn't know how to bring it up .. I'm glad you believe in them.
I do. And I already know that there is some reason why in this lifetime I had to undergo all that I did .. and even with this stroke now .. I just wish I knew what it was .......
And with that she began to cry. A human's cry. Not the cry of a Soul that knew its work and the meaning of its work .. but the cry of a human that did not yet understand the pain and agony of the purpose.
I looked at the table and the 4 vials of blood were sitting there.
Oh God, I got to go. I have to send these to the lab before they coagulate! I'm sorry for making you cry ..
No, no, it's not you. I'm just frustrated and tired and, and I just wish I knew what the purpose to all this is ..... go ahead and finish what you have to do ...
Okay. You need your rest anyway. It's almost 3:30 am. I come back tomorrow night and I'll be your nurse again .. .. we can talk more if you like.
Yes, I'd like that very much. Good Night dear
Good Night love. Sleep well.
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1.6.05 11:16
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Fat Man and the Moon....
On the second day of my juice fast, Saturday, I received a new patient admission. Charles was LIFE Flighted from Lake Jackson, Texas onto the roof of Memorial Hermann Hospital and brought down into the stroke unit.
On arrival to the unit all his stroke symptoms had been resolved and I was faced with the most humorous 76 year old man I had ever met.
On one of our 'getting to you know' moments he had asked me what nationality I was. I told him to guess. He said, "You're Filipino."
I was surprised. No one ever guesses my nationality, not even my own people! But this man did. When I asked him how he knew he told me that he was in the Service and had worked with many filipino's on the ship that took him from the port of New York all the way into the Mediterranean, just above Africa. Charles said that he never understood what they were saying but that every time he would pass them by, they would nod at him and he would nod in return and this was their way of communicating.
Charles told me of grand stories about his travels on the ship during WWII. The stories were fabulous. Often I smile to myself and think how lucky and privileged I am to be meeting so many people with wonderful 'people stories' to share. I love stories and I love people and when the two are combined I am suspended in time.
After awhile of story telling Charles all of a sudden lowered his voice and said, "...... not many of them filipino's survived you know ....." then his voice became quiet.
Survived what? I asked him.
Survived the torpedo!
Your ship was hit bt a Torpedo? Then how did you manage to survive?
The ship had a smaller vessel attached and those of us that could make it, boarded the smaller vessel and hoped to survive.
Wow, you were lucky ...
I was. I was .. but ......
At this point I can honestly say that DF has a knack for making people cry for as sure as the sun sets ... there was Charles, lying in bed in the middle of a sentence .. pausing to catch his breath while tears welled up in his eyes ... then streamed down his face.
Oh Charles ... what's the matter? I took down one of the bedside rails and managed to sit at the side of the bed. We are not allowed to do this, due to infection control and professionalism issues, however, I am guilty of violating this LAW many times over. Nursing has never been for me, and will never be for me a 'business' and the people that need care will never be 'customers'. They will just be people. People that need comforting, a hand to hold, a brow to stroke, and often a big giant DF hug.
There was this man. He was a fat man. Well, that's what he looked like against the moon that night. I will never forget the way the moon looked that night our ship got torpedo'd. It was the biggest moon I ever saw, until this day. At the front of the rescue vessel there was this fat man rocking back and forth and mumbling and I could see his silhouette up against that big moon. I asked one of the men who he was and what he was doing. He said he was one of the filipino's that worked in the engine room and that he was praying because he was dying. A few hours later, maybe it was minutes, who the hell knows .. he died.
Charles still had the tears kareening down his cheeks and I watched them fall into the corners of his mouth .....
Wow .. that must've been sad .... Funny, but I can never seem to say anything profoundly comforting at opportune moments. It's as if I suddenly turn into a language deprived soul.
.... and you'll never guess what happened to him. OH! it would make you shudder. It was awful.
They threw his body overboard because the weight of him was slowing down the boat?
No. His body was still there. In fact, when another ship came to rescue us, his body was the first thing that got hoisted up. I don't know how they managed to lug him up that ship but they did, him being big and all. I watched as all the men climbed up the rope ladder that was hanging at the side of the ship. Those things are very hard to climb up you know. Especially in the dark and in the cold Atlantic when the winds were fixin' to blow you off the rope. I was the last one to climb up the ladder and just as I was about to reach the top I felt something go over my head. I thought it was another torpedo but after a few seconds there was this big splash in the water. When I boarded the ship I found out that they had thrown the filipino man into the water .. just like that.
Oh Charles! That's awful!
It was. It was. I was only 19 years old you know and back then I didn't understand the war too well and death .. well, you only heard of it, or I only heard of it until the night we got torpedo'd .. .. and then they threw that poor fat filipino man into the water .. his body just floating there in the cold Atlantic ... but I would suspect that it would sink later since water would have gotten into this mouth and ears and nose and all ... then he would have just sinked. They called it a 'burial at sea' ....
Charles, you still remember that night .. that night is still vivid in your memory huh!? .....
Oh yeah ... especially that moon. It was the biggest moon I ever did see and there was the fat filipino man rocking at the front of the boat praying in some language .. say .. what language do they speak anyway? I mean, what language do you speak? Filipino?
I don't speak any Filipino but the main dialect is Tagalog.
Taaa - gaa - lug
Yeah, Tagalog. I was silent for awhile. Charles was slowly repeating the Taaa - gaa - lug word and as I watched his mouth I noticed the tears had stopped
Hey Charles .. do you believe in a Creator?
I guess I should, shouldn't I.
Do you believe in Souls?
Well, I've heard of that concept before ...
Do you believe in past lives? I mean, do you believe that people could have lived in a previous life?
Well .. I'm not sure about that!
Charles, how about this. Since you've been carrying that sad memory with you all these years .. does it make you feel bad?
Oh very bad .. I feel very sad. Poor fat Filipino man alone in the dark ocean like that ...
Okay .. well, let's say that there are such things as Souls. I certainly believe in them You do?!
Yep. And let's say that there IS such a thing as previous lives ... Well, what if I was that fat filipino man on your boat?
Charles laughed. Oh no, you couldn't be. You're not a man, you're not fat, and besides, you're not dead!
I know, but let's say that I was that man on the boat and I died. That was when? What year? 1943? Well, I was born in 1964! What if I was that man who died and came back as a Filipino girl. And I ended up in nursing, which I never wanted to be anyway ... just so that I can meet you again to tell you not to be sad for me anymore because really ... I am okay! I am alive! I am here! Well? What do you think of that>
Well, that would be something wouldn't it.
It would. It would certainly be something. And Charles you know what? I love the MOON. I mean, I really love the moon. I feel such an affinity for the moon. I even once wrote a poem about it when I was 16 about how it was my guiding light ... want me to recite it for you?
My recitiation was futile. I only remembered the first two lines .. and the rest was left to SPACE and TIME.
Charles, just from now on I want you to know that I WAS that fat filipino man on the boat. And you don't have to carry that sad memory anymore .. because I am here. Alive and well and I came back to tell you, "Thank you for thinking of me and keeping me in your thoughts and heart, but you can stop it now because now, I am here and we can hug!" So you see .. I never did die at all! Our Souls NEVER DIE Charles .....
.... they just go on!
Yes! They just go on ..... just like Love!
Why yes, I think that thought is a very nice thought to keep. I'll keep it then.
Good! Now get to sleep.
I kissed his bald head and gave him a Good Night hug.
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3.6.05 09:29
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A marriage too good to be true ....
On June 6, 2005 in San Francisco, CA, during Apple's WWDC (Worldwide Developer's Conference), Steve Jobs announced that Apple would be using Intel chips in their computers! The first batch should be available to consumers at the start of 2006 and by 2007 ALL Apple computers would have Intel chips on board.
A marriage made in digital heaven!
Perhaps now, Apple may be able to produce the long awaited Powerbook G5's!
Many may be shocked by this announcement but in actuality, I cannot think of two other companies that would benefit most from this marriage - and the best thing is .. the consumers will benefit too!
SD: maybe you should wait till 2006 for the rollout!
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11.6.05 05:25
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Learning in Living - is a Miracle!
My Grandmother on my mother's side died of a stroke more than 5 years ago. Funny how I can't even remember the year. I think the month was January.
I did not see her. As a matter of fact, it had been over 2 years since I last saw her before she passed.
I was in Texas and she died in Toronto, Canada.
On the day of her burial we had an emergency case that went bad in the Cath lab.
The patient was, I suppose about 70 years old. When he got wheeled into the procedure room from E.R. he had already looked dead. I know that look. I've seen it many times .. even before 'death' really comes.
The man died on the procedure table after an hour of working on him. We couldn't save his heart.
We cleaned him up and placed his body on a stretcher and had the family see him after the cardiologist explained what had happened.
I was there with the family. Watching as each member displayed their grief.
I decided to grieve with them. I cried a lot that day ... it was the first time my peers saw me without eye make-up, since I had smudged out all the eye-liner and mascara from my tears.
I was given the opportunity to GRIEVE even though I was not present at my Grandmother's burial .. I had grieved that day ... for her as much as I did for the guy that died on the table, really for his family ....
TODAY ... I work in a Stroke Unit.
Not a very interesting and exciting place ( although it has its moments ). I no longer have that desire to work in an 'adrenaline rushed' environment - getting too old for that.
The funny thing is .. I've been wanting to leave this profession ever since I started it.
Even funnier still, is the fact that I have not succeeded too well. It has been almost 9 years and I still have not left.
I think the best laugh will be the last laugh. It is in the air. I can feel it in the 'energies' that surround me and that go thru me.
My time is nearing an end. I would have completed a portion of my learning .....
The Stroke Unit will be the last thing that I do in Nursing. In about a year or two, I will leave this experience and embark on new 'work'. It is written in the stars.
Last night as I turned Bertha onto her left side to position her to draw blood, I had a moment of reflection and revelation. Just then, I knew my Grandmother was with me. I just knew.
I looked upon Bertha who had a massive stroke - and my mind went racing.
The days that my Grandmother spent in the hospital must've been like this. Quiet, unresponsive, minimal movement on one side with none on the other.
I talked to Bertha. I told her everything I was going to do to her. I told her of my plans for the week and of the books I was reading. I told her about my Grandmother, Maria Orat Sevilla.
When morning came, the nurse that would usually follow me had called in sick one hour before. They found a Neuro Trauma nurse to fill her place. I gave report to Katrina on my patients. I'd be back in another 12 hours anyway ...
I had a book out. A Course In Miracles.
I normally leave my books facing down but Rona, one of the other nurses had picked it up out of curiousity, hence it had been facing up ...
As I reached over to get it Katrina looked at it and asked, "Is this your book?" I said yes. She asked me, "Are you studying it?" I said, "YES!"
Katrina said that she had been studying the Course for over a year now with a Dr. Somethingorother here in Houston.
WOW! What were the chances of meeting another person who actually heard about the Course. Everyone else that I have met or had seen me with the book just questioned it.
Miracles happen everyday.
Miracles are what we do and what we receive.
Our bodies are Miracles - yet we take our bodies for granted and abuse them.
Forgiving is a Miracle. It is a simple Miracle.
Loving is a Miracle too!
Trees are Miracles, the Sun rising is a Miracle.
Our Breath is a Miracle.
Every moment is a Miracle.
The Course teaches ........
~~~~~~
Bertha and Katrina were Miracles that were given to me last shift.
What will be YOUR Miracle, today?
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12.6.05 15:45
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How much is TOO much and other digital insanities ....
Alas, I think I've finally surpassed the realm of 'addiciton' and entered into 'insanity'! It's true.  ( I am a Mac-aholic, Mac-addict, whatever .. but the truth is, I have gone Mac-insane! I have accumulated a plethora of digital toys and have hardly seen the light of 20six. It has gone far beyond the appreciation of intelligent design, a seemless OS, and the wanton flirtation with the packaging appeal - and have you SEEN such packaging?! Yes, yes, I understand that there are Windows extremists out there that are willing to point and shoot me down at the mere mention of Steve Jobs, Apple, Tiger and iPod but one cannot deny the blazing trail Apple has left. And what a trail indeed! Onward, upward .. I follow faithfully. Lol .. rather sick isn't it? I've already outgrown the Powerbook G4 and am awaiting impatiently for next years roll out of goodies (with the Intel chip). I am guessing that Apple will introduce the next level Powerbook. The long awaited G5 PB may never fruition as I am sure that a new branding name will be given to those machines bearing the Intel processor. Talk about 'taking it up a notch!' As it stands, my closet shelf now holds the dozen or so beautifully designed packages that each Mac toy came with and I have turned the King bed into "A Bed Squash's Digital Studio". Around the bedpost that stands at the head of the bed hangs the numerous USB, firewire and Dv cables, not to mention the bag that holds the digital cam and camcorder. On the side table beside me sits the iShuffle, the 60G iPod Photo and extraneous manuals for Studio MX Flash and of course, Max the Mac. Have I told you that I've also turned into a mini - Spielberg? Yes. Creating movies and burning then onto DVD's have become my latest mania. Well, ta-ta ... as I am off to the editing room .. umm .. bed .. space.
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24.6.05 10:44
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The Premier ...
to ALL:
You made interesting comments on the previous post.
As you can see I've created quite an impression here with the 'movie making' talk. I do not lie when I tell you I have been impassioned with creating short movie's and I also do not lie when I will tell you now that the 'editing' aspect is quite a battle.
Rendering time alone on the PB G4 is somewhat slow (not what I would expect from a Powerbook - can't wait to see the difference an Intel Chip would make), and the burning time alone for even a 20 minute short takes a little over 3 hours. The fear of Max the Mac melting into oblivion is always at the forefront of my thinking especially when the bottom half of the powerbook at the space of the closure clip has warped due to EXTREME OVERHEATING! Yes, in all it's glory, APPLE is not PERFECTION and you can blame this on the Power PC.
Did I cry? Did I even flinch with a gut wrenching ache in the pit of my bowels at the very site of the warped edge??????
Nay I say! Nay!
After my initial shock, which only lasted a mere 30 seconds or so I quickly continued on with the 'editing'. The object of my desire has merely turned into another toy that will be eventually be upgraded in a year or so. The lack of reaction or throwing of 'hissy fits' is quite an accomplishment for me, as it is NOT my mode of operation. It either means I have allowed my SELF to relinquish the 'ego of materialism' OR I am actually operating on a slightly comatose level of functioning (which can't be too good, now can it.)
As for the archive of DF short films????? Well .. that is definitely a possibility in the future. Though I am quite proud of some of the work, I am even more embarrassed at the sheer amateur-like results! When there is a decent creation to show, I will of course put up the link to its' site. Until then, let me just continue to play with my new passion and hopefully show gradual improvement by the time Tom and Katie actually tie the knot!~ (and God NO! I am not doing any video/filming on anything even related to such shinanigans!)
Not to seem one-sided and selfish, I will now visit your blogs.
Hope everyone is doing well! And I sincerely mean it.
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25.6.05 15:28
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